The Few Brain Cells of Ann Cathrine Arneson

Featured

(This was written at the 17th of April, 2020 – when London was under lockdown; week #4)

Psalm 139:14a NIV

”I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made”

Beauty is a word that is normally the last one I would use in my vocabulary on daily basis. The word is not just hard to use; it is actually quite easy to call something or someone else beautiful. The problem comes when I am supposed to ”admit” this. I am beautiful.

Am I?

Beauty is then a topic I would like to talk the least about, since there could be a lot of anger towards those who were blessed being born with perfect genetics. Don’t they understand how annoying and insulting it is when the perfect looking people whine about feeling ugly you can’t even compare yourself to them? But then even mentioning this would also be dumb and hypocritical because there will always be another girl who has these same problems and they would be equally as annoyed if you explain you don’t feel beautiful.

Another note: If you even try to get to the topic ”I know I am not a beautiful woman/girl”, the people around you will not leave you ”alone until you know that is what you are. Beautiful.”

That is where I know (from personal experience), I act in a vauge manner so that the people think I believe their statement; when most of the times I don’t.

So that is why ”beauty” is a topic I hate. Okay, maybe not ”hate”, but is the last topic I’d like to touch.

And it is not that I constantly think I am ugly; it is just an insecurity I have like any other girl has – ”I am not good enough.” Why else are there women that take plastic surgery ”too far”? Why else are there women that have ”given up” on ”physical beauty” yet keep hurting their body than ever before? Why else are there women who have a hard time seeing themselves as their gender?

”Not good enough.” One flaw = Not. Good. Enough.

That is what every woman feels atleast once in their lifetime. Whether they like to admit it or not. I know for sure that I am definately one of them.

Yet it is a exhausting thing to deal with! If I have to ”admit” to myself ”I am beautiful” (and believe it) full-heartedly before leaving the house, I would have to quit my job/school and call myself a cave woman.

But that would not be a healthy life to live, right?

Is beauty supposed to help us women find our identity? Is that why God made sure it would need to be our focus, only so that we would find beauty in God?

Honestly, this won’t be about how I cracked the code to ”infinite beauty” or anything like that. I am still daily, as a woman, learning about true beauty every day.

If anything, this article will be about how I learned little bit about my ”beauty”… But learning it from the wrong place.

If anything, the coronavirus has taught me more about my pride and my people-pleasing. Day by day, it was getting more depressing and wondered if anyone actually cared. I constantly used other people to blame on my sins, saying it was their fault on me not repenting. I knew at the same time I barely went to God myself, but continued to blame others on ”not going to God.” I felt stuck yet being the only reason of being stuck. I did not even want to care to even take a glimpse on the Word nor going to pray, to talk to my Father.

An emptiness was growing inside of me. A want and a need. A crave.

As being depressed, my mindset was getting harder to control. The basic solutions seemed further away than normal. It had become impossibilities. Anxiety would come and knock on my door as well during last week, where I was getting overwhelmed by my responsebilities.

As I became ”uglier” by my lifestyle, it became a hobby to become envious of my brothers and sisters.

But since I let myself become too prideful to just be vurnable for God, Satan was able to transform the craving to a different image. From a ”need” to a ”want”.

The crave was to be rebellious. I started bending the rules on restrictions that were meant to help me not to do something ”stupid”. The word ”stupid”… and ”unwise”… And ”God”… And ”heartbroken”…

Erased from my mind.

Those cravings strived to old bad habits. Addictions.

One particular night, I started to going on some chats on the internet. Don’t even want to mention the names because these chats should not get any recognition.

To be symbolic, these virtual chats were as if it would be corona itself. Once one infected goes on through her day, she can infect 25 others by interaction. The chats are a gateway to opening old wounds and a mineland for different future sins that could(no! are) out there.

I don’t even know why I decided to start a chat with these strangers. Of all the crazy stuff I have seen and been part of before, I never touched this area. Why did I think of ”trying out” something new would be a good idea?

That is to say, the next day,

I was sick to my stomach and wanted to throw up.

While leaving the house and working, the pit of my stomach was pulling on the back of my tounge and felt nauseous. While taking few breaks I genuinely wondered if I might feel better if I actually vomit.

I knew this had nothing to do with the virus. This was all due to being filled with disgust by my own actions the night before. And what made me want to puke was the simple fact that the people I spoke to are somewhere out in this world today. Could even be in the same country. Could even be in the same city. That thought made me wish I knew how to force-vomit. I texted my discipler immediately.

Except… it happened more than once a week later.

The disgust continued to be there, but it became easier. I think the second time I forced to do something I am more common with than throwing up.

Numbing out.

As much as I hated myself the second week I fell(no! walked) into sin again by going back to the chats, I figured out why I went back. But instead of dealing with the truth and finding solutions, I did something that was the polar-opposite of helpful.

Finger pointing.

”It is the sisters’ fault for never checking up on me.” ”It is the people from my ministry that have not asked how I was doing.”

As much as it was the truth (on the final day, that IS how I felt) I decided to be more rebellious by making sure not to contact those who I felt hurt by and only hung out with the sisters I am living with. As grateful I am not being alone at this time, I could be with my housemates as much as I would like… It does not cover up the other people I have felt hurt by and have not dealt with.

3rd week came, and the chat was the only thing on my mind. Prayer and quiet time was not something I looked forward to. ”Meetings of the body” was not something I looked forward to. Why? Because I wanted to do something against God, and being reminded about that makes it harder to numb out and I did not want to get nauseous again.

Being the only campus disciple in my household, it was not hard to ignore everything interesting about the devotionals. Not listening made it easier for me to plot what I wanted to do after the meeting was over.

What caught my attention though was the ending of that meeting. Someone mentioned my name.

You see, during the sermon, I constantly kept getting texts from different sisters, wondering where I was at. My camera was not on and I had not updated my name for the meeting, and this caused some to get concerned. Instead of being grateful that they were checking up on me, I got annoyed and questioned ”why does it matter so much that my camera was not on” yadda yadda.

The interesting note about the devotional that day was that it was focused on encouragement. Many people were able to appreciate kind words of someone else, yet not enough time for everyone, since there are quite many of us. This was were some people and I were mentioned, that when the devotional was over for others to encourage those who had not been able to. I took that as another opportunity to get angry at others.

It the leader needs to say this then that means the sisters were going to be the same as my made-up vomits. Forced.

If was ready to forget the devotional and got ready to sin (go back to the chats) when I got the text and voicenotes from the sisters.

….

My heart broke.

One thing that I am good at noticing is when nice words are being vauge/religious or genuine/honest.

Those were some cranking, pure, genuine words right there. They were warm. Special. Open.

They meant every single BEAUTIFUL WORD.

And those were meant for me. Personally.

I muttered out loud: ”…What am I doing?”

Getting those kind voicenotes/messages from the sisters made me realise why I went to the chat rooms in the first place.

I don’t look at myself as someone who yearns for verbal attention. But at the end of the day, I am still a human being who would appreciate any attention.

I think the only reason that numbed me out was that these men on these chats were ”praising” me. Saying that I am beautiful and how they appreciate my company.

Getting fake praise by strangers (who don’t me and are only after their own personal gain) is a lot different from getting words of encouragement from disciples. My family.

Psalm 139:4 is a scripture I need to learn to be confident in. I remember all those times when I full-heartedly went after to see what God is trying to teach me. And with full faith that He was talking to me. It made me feel special and complete; unlike the people I spoke to on the chat.

Psalm 119:33 NIV

”Teach me LORD, the way of your decrees, that I may follow it to the end.”

I feel embarrased and ashamed that I completely forgot about God’s love. Not only that but it showed where I turn to when I am only going after what I feel and not on my convictions. My behavior was a slap across God’s face and I can’t comprehend how deep His love is for me, as I am still alive. And full repentance is what He wanted.

Beauty is still something that I am learning about, and sometimes it still is hard to have confidence in this. But I am glad to say my times with God are back to being fulfilling and joyful (even if I might have not had joy at some moments.)

I have let my pride and my curiosity to go and search a craving from the world when instead I could have run towards God and dodge many decisions I regret during this COVID19. Time to have learnt my lesson and run towards the right direction; get away from the toxic thoughts and environments.

And if you feel like you relate to anything I have written here and above, I hope you would like to join me. Trust me, this new path is going to be amazing.

Psalm 119:111-112 NIV

”Your statutes are my heritage forever; they are the joy of my heart. My heart is set on keeping your decrees to the very end.”

Been doing this with an unrighteous heart…

I have planned to blog about many different things; (precisely) things that I feel that need to be said from my heart. But before I can move on and write my thoughts down, there is something I need to get open about. If I decide not to speak about this, then there is no point to blog in the first place.

I have had a wrong mindset creating this whole thing.

Few months ago, I thought back on a article I wrote almost a year ago. In that article, I was able not to just share “my-side-of-the-story” of a certain situation that happened in my life, but got to share about the scriptures that helped me through that situation and made me survive spiritually after the hardship.

As I thought about the article, I started to wonder how much I would like to share about the things I have learned in my life. I took out a notebook and a pen, ready to share about more different topics (topics that I will probably even blog about.)

I took out my bible, trying to find every single scripture I could find about a certain topic. As I scribbled through, I noticed a problem.

I could not find any scriptures.

Well, no actually I did find scriptures. Scriptures that are supposed to be related to the topic I wanted to think about.

The problem was that the scriptures went against what I wanted to talk about.

So I closed the notebook, sat down on the ground, and started to cry. (As a cry-baby would do, when things don’t go in her way.)

I noticed that my reason for writing (at that time) was not to encourage anyone, or even for me to grow and to learn anything new. My main goal was to point fingers at someone else being in the fault, to make (maybe even prove) myself being “better than the other person”.

When a disciple writes, it shouldn’t be to whine about someone else’s mistake but, if anything, calling out for people – to repent. For me, instead of being negative, I should be positive; not to just speak about the bad things around me, but to show people the gateway in the right direction.

As Paul when he wrote to the people in Rome:

Romans 1:11-12 (NIV)

“I long to see you so that I may impart to you some spiritual gift to make you strong – that is, that you and I may be mutually encouraged by each other’s faith.”

I know what kind of headache I can have when someone never talks about anything encouraging, rather only talking about how others around them are doing wrong. It is not convicting, and how will this inspire me to persevere and grow in my relationship with God?

Now, don’t get me wrong; this did not make Paul non-radical by not speaking about the things needing to be spoken about (that is, being encouraging and lifting up other disciples). If anything, he had to speak about the good and the ugly if he wanted his brothers and sisters to understand the whole picture. And who knows, maybe something that I will write about someday will cut someone in the heart.

But if my focus is to “teach-others-and-I-don’t-need-to-change-in-anything”, then I would really just waste my time, rather than doing something productive, something that actually matters.

Romans 2:7-8 (NIV)

“To those who by persistence in doing good seek glory, honor and immortality, he will give eternal life. But for those who are self-seeking and who reject the truth and follow evil, there will be wrath and anger.”

My focus was not to personally be obeying God’s word and I definitely was not focusing in “doing good”. Couple of days later, after the crying, I noticed how I didn’t put the truth first. And for that I am sorry.

I am sorry to God for not doing all of this with a righteous heart on that day. It is also good to be open about this publically; so that I can’t easily bounce back before any of my fellow friends noticing. I hope that also me being honest about this will help me appreciate God’s Word even more than I have ever done before, and fall in love with more scriptures; that God can mold me into the woman He wants me to become.

Thank you for anyone who has been reading there entries so far. I am not done yet, so I hope you enjoy and that you will keep reading, if you are already set with that interest. 😉

Time to prove Satan wrong.

This post was written 23 December 2019.

2 Corinthians 4:1 (NIV)

“Therefore, since through God’s mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart.”

I flew to London with two suitcases and money that I believed would be enough before I found a job. This was going to be a restart of my lifestyle, something that I needed to do. Even before moving to the UK, my women’s ministry leader, Ashley Tambaur, told me to make sure to be ready of flying over here weak. Not to picture myself spiritually strong, since my transition is the plan for me to get strengthened. I can’t be strengthened if I believe I am “already strong.”

I thought I understood what she meant. I still believe that I do.

My emotions and actions said otherwise.

The next 8 weeks, God kept revealing how comfortable I am. How my emotions were so related on how my lifestyle was. No eagerness of growth. Fear of things that I can’t control.

God made sure to challenge me with being less and less controlling.

Self-control was the only control I was allowed to have. I did not believe I could have that though, which made me not have any.

With then also getting a job with two days later getting fired. Then noticing how irresponsible I can be when… well, when I am not being responsible. No one is as responsible of my actions than myself. As much as I would love to point fingers, I can’t.

As awesome and caring the brothers and sisters were around me, guilt had started to build inside of me. A guilt, a thought, that Satan made into a surface that he could step in. A foothold.

I am never going to change. I am not good enough. I will never baptise anyone. I am not good enough to find a job. I am too worthless. I am a uneccesary weight for my team (job, household, campus, friends).

I should move back to Stockholm so people can stop worrying about me. So that I won’t be in anyone’s way. So that I won’t be in God’s way.

Yeah, I know. Ridiculous, ey?

So, without praying, I started to debate on what is the best thing to do. I was not always thinking like this, but this still kept happening repeatedly. Every challenge coming my way,the more I had to get open with my discipler about this debate.

When I fly back to Stockholm for Christmas, should I stay or should I fly back to London after the holidays? As much as I knew it would cost my salvation (falling away), I could not grasp how staying in London would be any better.

I just had to pray and face the facts. I was debating on whether ending my relationship with God or not. I let Satan contribute on such ridiculous choice. I listened and believed in his lies while having no faith on who God is.

2 Corinthians 4:10 (NIV)

”We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.”

My heart has been softened over and over again these past 8 weeks. Only because I believed I was being righteous in some situations I clearly was not. And God did not do this so that I would fly back to Stockholm (and stay there) but to show me how I have fully repent, so that I am a actual sold-out disciple, who won’t hold on to my past mistakes.

2 Corinthians 4:18 (NIV)

”So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”

I let Satan make me focus on earthly things, and to face situations in a wordly way; faithless. That there is no hope for me to change nor any hope that I can be able really speak on what is on my heart while still doing it in a righteous way. I can never shine with my passion of writing. I can never be good enough for for anything else, and that is why I should quit while I am ahead.

Thanks to God, I know what I should do.

I am going to prove Satan wrong.

That is why I have decided to finally make a blog! This does not just let me speak on what is on my heart, but it also challenges me to do this God’s way, as every entry will be making me to look at MYSELF before anywhere else! It will also help me with my writing, as God knows that putting words on paper (…ah, screen) is something that I really love to do.

The more entries, the more I will be debunking on things that Satan has lied to me about. It will also help me to face things that Satan does not want me to see.

So as I am writing this, on a plane that is heading from London to Stockholm, I want to just say that I am very excited for doing this blog. And don’t worry, I will head back to London after the holidays; God is not done teaching me.

2 Corinthians 4:16 (NIV)

”Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.