(This was written at the 17th of April, 2020 – when London was under lockdown; week #4)

Psalm 139:14a NIV

”I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made”

Beauty is a word that is normally the last one I would use in my vocabulary on daily basis. The word is not just hard to use; it is actually quite easy to call something or someone else beautiful. The problem comes when I am supposed to ”admit” this. I am beautiful.

Am I?

Beauty is then a topic I would like to talk the least about, since there could be a lot of anger towards those who were blessed being born with perfect genetics. Don’t they understand how annoying and insulting it is when the perfect looking people whine about feeling ugly you can’t even compare yourself to them? But then even mentioning this would also be dumb and hypocritical because there will always be another girl who has these same problems and they would be equally as annoyed if you explain you don’t feel beautiful.

Another note: If you even try to get to the topic ”I know I am not a beautiful woman/girl”, the people around you will not leave you ”alone until you know that is what you are. Beautiful.”

That is where I know (from personal experience), I act in a vauge manner so that the people think I believe their statement; when most of the times I don’t.

So that is why ”beauty” is a topic I hate. Okay, maybe not ”hate”, but is the last topic I’d like to touch.

And it is not that I constantly think I am ugly; it is just an insecurity I have like any other girl has – ”I am not good enough.” Why else are there women that take plastic surgery ”too far”? Why else are there women that have ”given up” on ”physical beauty” yet keep hurting their body than ever before? Why else are there women who have a hard time seeing themselves as their gender?

”Not good enough.” One flaw = Not. Good. Enough.

That is what every woman feels atleast once in their lifetime. Whether they like to admit it or not. I know for sure that I am definately one of them.

Yet it is a exhausting thing to deal with! If I have to ”admit” to myself ”I am beautiful” (and believe it) full-heartedly before leaving the house, I would have to quit my job/school and call myself a cave woman.

But that would not be a healthy life to live, right?

Is beauty supposed to help us women find our identity? Is that why God made sure it would need to be our focus, only so that we would find beauty in God?

Honestly, this won’t be about how I cracked the code to ”infinite beauty” or anything like that. I am still daily, as a woman, learning about true beauty every day.

If anything, this article will be about how I learned little bit about my ”beauty”… But learning it from the wrong place.

If anything, the coronavirus has taught me more about my pride and my people-pleasing. Day by day, it was getting more depressing and wondered if anyone actually cared. I constantly used other people to blame on my sins, saying it was their fault on me not repenting. I knew at the same time I barely went to God myself, but continued to blame others on ”not going to God.” I felt stuck yet being the only reason of being stuck. I did not even want to care to even take a glimpse on the Word nor going to pray, to talk to my Father.

An emptiness was growing inside of me. A want and a need. A crave.

As being depressed, my mindset was getting harder to control. The basic solutions seemed further away than normal. It had become impossibilities. Anxiety would come and knock on my door as well during last week, where I was getting overwhelmed by my responsebilities.

As I became ”uglier” by my lifestyle, it became a hobby to become envious of my brothers and sisters.

But since I let myself become too prideful to just be vurnable for God, Satan was able to transform the craving to a different image. From a ”need” to a ”want”.

The crave was to be rebellious. I started bending the rules on restrictions that were meant to help me not to do something ”stupid”. The word ”stupid”… and ”unwise”… And ”God”… And ”heartbroken”…

Erased from my mind.

Those cravings strived to old bad habits. Addictions.

One particular night, I started to going on some chats on the internet. Don’t even want to mention the names because these chats should not get any recognition.

To be symbolic, these virtual chats were as if it would be corona itself. Once one infected goes on through her day, she can infect 25 others by interaction. The chats are a gateway to opening old wounds and a mineland for different future sins that could(no! are) out there.

I don’t even know why I decided to start a chat with these strangers. Of all the crazy stuff I have seen and been part of before, I never touched this area. Why did I think of ”trying out” something new would be a good idea?

That is to say, the next day,

I was sick to my stomach and wanted to throw up.

While leaving the house and working, the pit of my stomach was pulling on the back of my tounge and felt nauseous. While taking few breaks I genuinely wondered if I might feel better if I actually vomit.

I knew this had nothing to do with the virus. This was all due to being filled with disgust by my own actions the night before. And what made me want to puke was the simple fact that the people I spoke to are somewhere out in this world today. Could even be in the same country. Could even be in the same city. That thought made me wish I knew how to force-vomit. I texted my discipler immediately.

Except… it happened more than once a week later.

The disgust continued to be there, but it became easier. I think the second time I forced to do something I am more common with than throwing up.

Numbing out.

As much as I hated myself the second week I fell(no! walked) into sin again by going back to the chats, I figured out why I went back. But instead of dealing with the truth and finding solutions, I did something that was the polar-opposite of helpful.

Finger pointing.

”It is the sisters’ fault for never checking up on me.” ”It is the people from my ministry that have not asked how I was doing.”

As much as it was the truth (on the final day, that IS how I felt) I decided to be more rebellious by making sure not to contact those who I felt hurt by and only hung out with the sisters I am living with. As grateful I am not being alone at this time, I could be with my housemates as much as I would like… It does not cover up the other people I have felt hurt by and have not dealt with.

3rd week came, and the chat was the only thing on my mind. Prayer and quiet time was not something I looked forward to. ”Meetings of the body” was not something I looked forward to. Why? Because I wanted to do something against God, and being reminded about that makes it harder to numb out and I did not want to get nauseous again.

Being the only campus disciple in my household, it was not hard to ignore everything interesting about the devotionals. Not listening made it easier for me to plot what I wanted to do after the meeting was over.

What caught my attention though was the ending of that meeting. Someone mentioned my name.

You see, during the sermon, I constantly kept getting texts from different sisters, wondering where I was at. My camera was not on and I had not updated my name for the meeting, and this caused some to get concerned. Instead of being grateful that they were checking up on me, I got annoyed and questioned ”why does it matter so much that my camera was not on” yadda yadda.

The interesting note about the devotional that day was that it was focused on encouragement. Many people were able to appreciate kind words of someone else, yet not enough time for everyone, since there are quite many of us. This was were some people and I were mentioned, that when the devotional was over for others to encourage those who had not been able to. I took that as another opportunity to get angry at others.

It the leader needs to say this then that means the sisters were going to be the same as my made-up vomits. Forced.

If was ready to forget the devotional and got ready to sin (go back to the chats) when I got the text and voicenotes from the sisters.

….

My heart broke.

One thing that I am good at noticing is when nice words are being vauge/religious or genuine/honest.

Those were some cranking, pure, genuine words right there. They were warm. Special. Open.

They meant every single BEAUTIFUL WORD.

And those were meant for me. Personally.

I muttered out loud: ”…What am I doing?”

Getting those kind voicenotes/messages from the sisters made me realise why I went to the chat rooms in the first place.

I don’t look at myself as someone who yearns for verbal attention. But at the end of the day, I am still a human being who would appreciate any attention.

I think the only reason that numbed me out was that these men on these chats were ”praising” me. Saying that I am beautiful and how they appreciate my company.

Getting fake praise by strangers (who don’t me and are only after their own personal gain) is a lot different from getting words of encouragement from disciples. My family.

Psalm 139:4 is a scripture I need to learn to be confident in. I remember all those times when I full-heartedly went after to see what God is trying to teach me. And with full faith that He was talking to me. It made me feel special and complete; unlike the people I spoke to on the chat.

Psalm 119:33 NIV

”Teach me LORD, the way of your decrees, that I may follow it to the end.”

I feel embarrased and ashamed that I completely forgot about God’s love. Not only that but it showed where I turn to when I am only going after what I feel and not on my convictions. My behavior was a slap across God’s face and I can’t comprehend how deep His love is for me, as I am still alive. And full repentance is what He wanted.

Beauty is still something that I am learning about, and sometimes it still is hard to have confidence in this. But I am glad to say my times with God are back to being fulfilling and joyful (even if I might have not had joy at some moments.)

I have let my pride and my curiosity to go and search a craving from the world when instead I could have run towards God and dodge many decisions I regret during this COVID19. Time to have learnt my lesson and run towards the right direction; get away from the toxic thoughts and environments.

And if you feel like you relate to anything I have written here and above, I hope you would like to join me. Trust me, this new path is going to be amazing.

Psalm 119:111-112 NIV

”Your statutes are my heritage forever; they are the joy of my heart. My heart is set on keeping your decrees to the very end.”